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My wish is to give a voice to every birth mother who has ever been shunned and made to feel ashamed for giving her child the opportunity to have a better life.

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Saturday, March 3, 2012

Waterproof Mascara

I'm certain I could help makeup companies save hundreds of thousands of dollars by testing their various waterproof mascaras: I have Maybelline Great Lash waterproof mascara in a little pink tube; I put it on the day before yesterday, then cried a bunch of it off early this morning.

My husband and I went to bed around 2 a.m., but as I lie there in bed tossing around and trying to actually sleep, my mind decided to wander off and remind me that my baby isn't here. So, as my husband slept soundly, I wept quietly. My mind went back to the day she was born and how I'd chosen to feed her from a bottle instead of my breast because I knew if I did, good-bye would have been that much harder for both of us.

When that happens, it almost always triggers my insomnia because my mind begins racing in endless circles of What-Ifs. And the What-Ifs turn into regret; regret into self-loathing, etc., which eventually brings me here to vent all of these frustrations for the world to see, and yet hidden at the same time by the thinnest veil of anonymity. It's like watching a magician's act: you see the amazing tricks, but never can quite see how they're accomplished.

Except this isn't a show. This is hard-core reality at its finest, and you won't ever see it on Jersey Shore, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, or Teen Mom. Censors and editors determine what's "real" there; here it's just me being me, and I doubt any camera crew wants to film a young woman sobbing mascara waterfalls down her face as snot drips from her nose like a leaky faucet. Also, I'm pretty sure no one wants to see it either since, 1 - it's kinda gross, and 2 - it's a little too real (and still very much taboo) for most people.

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